Tell me again why there is no "House Of Red" on Bravo?

Or TLC? Seriously. This entire family is whackadoodle enough to support at least 2 seasons. I even though about carrying the Flip around and doing a podcast but we would offend too many people. There would not be enough material left.

Want a few examples?

I took a nap today. I apparently took too long in getting outing of bed to finish dinner. Mr Red decided to fire up the electric leaf blower and blast me with it. While this was amusing to the rest of the family ( and a lot of Facebook friends ) I was NOT amused.

Mr Red does not have his own lappy. Because he has been all " I don't need that" til he discovered MS Chess. Now he does love to play with himself. And now he can play with himself in one more way...... This creates issues. I am going to reward him with a new lappy after Christmas but in the meantime if I take a nap or go to sleep I run the risk of my BFF being stolen. Oh and he changes my desktop image to crap like this:

One of his pet names for me is "Boozehilda" Which he SO STOLE from Jack on "Will and Grace". Is it my fault I love the creature??

**PLEASE DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU ARE CATHOLIC OR LOVE A PENGUIN**
Now my family, all sides, is made up of a lot of religions and a lot of nationalities. Hell, my husband is a cheap ass skirt wearing hunk o'Scottish Love. I am more Irish than Scottish but I can outdrink both of them. My BFFFFFFF since second grade ( who is also my husband's cousin) is a Vietnamese hottie that my kids and her niece lovingly call "Gook". We are very irreverent and do not take ourselves or others seriously. We have an odd view of death and fitting in to society in general. Go figure.
Now I also have to tell you that we have a lot of Nuns in the family. One in particular was Aunt Martha. God Rest Her Soul. She was a piece of work. I could really expand on this because she is not my blood, but I will not. I like being married.

However, I was watching the original "AmityVille Horror" today on Netflix. In fact I stopped to blog. Yes I stopped a movie to tell you a story.

I lurve you that much.

So the Lutzes were dealing with a stinky black tarry substance in their toilet when Aunt Penguin showed up. Now in my house icky, smelly toilets are not far fetched because I have 2 teen boys that regularly lay logs in them. I can barely get them to flush let alone give us a courtesy flush, ya know?
Anyblackcommode, in my family the dog hides, the ferret squeaks, and the mirrors crack when one of the Penguins comes by. This is why I just cannot give that lil episode any any credence. Well that and the whole thing is a bunch of hooey, but that would not make my point would it?


My almost 21 year old daughter still loves to run by and pinch my boobs. No clue on this one. You got me. I will take donations for therapy for both of us.




Which brings me to this. I swear we are a nice upper middle class family. We have a Volvo and a boat. So when you read this, please do not send airfare to Jerry Springer.

Those of you that know me well, know that I realize that my kids are not perfect. I am the first to tell you that. In fact I know how twisted they are because well.. They are my offspring.Duh. I am also highly protective of these slightly dysfunctional younger versions of myself and my beloved. My BFFFF says more like a Lion and her Cub. As in * while I claw your throat out*. Maybe not literally but that will be only because MR Red and a Court Order are holding me back.
I was gonna take part of my Oldest's Facebook note today to explain a few things but then I decided not to. Let's just say that my future ex-son-in-law is NOT doing right by his children. Let's just say that this time I am 100% taking my daughter's side. Let's just say that he is on notice. And I have a few things to say.
Ahem.

I may not have been a perfect mom. I am still not. I however have a stable marriage, a lot of friends at Family Court and the local Judge is my next door neighbor.One of my dearest friends is the editor of the local paper. This is a small town. A nice human interest story on" Grandparents Helping Raise Grandchildren" is already in the works. Course I would have to mention details. Ahem. LIKE THE PORN THAT IS STILL COMING TO MY HOUSE FROM WHEN YOU LIVED HERE. I also happen to have a LOT MORE $$$ in my corner to back a fight than you and yours do. So bring it. This ain't my first rodeo and my horse is favored to win.