Why I Can't Share.

I am starting a new thang. I will gush forth with a spew of witty and cynical words and only then will I title my post.
My friend Vicki over at the froglicking place ( she does! I have SEEN it), invited me to join another blogging thing. It's basically about taking things back, I think. I am way medicated. Kidney stones n all. So maybe I can go and find it later for you.
Let me get to my point. I do not think I am worthy at this point in time of blogging with them. There are a few reasons and because I am a list maker and not sure of my coherence at the moment........ooohhh there is a kitty at the door....

• I am over 40. I have dealt with my pain in more ways than Carter has Liver Pills. It is not a new thing I am tackling.
• I was not abused in any way.
• My parents loved me. They may not have been perfect or the most affectionate, but I do know they loved me. Never doubted it.
• I am quite comfy in my birth order. And thanks to how my parents spread us out there really is no rivalry, we went on to bigger and better things.
• I can only blame my Mind Monster for the pain and suffering. I blame the disease.
• I do not blame God. These days I embrace the imperfections He gave me.
• THIS is the biggest one so pay attention. It may sound petty , trite, self serving, and kinda snobby but it is what it is.
  

I have been down that road for so many years. I have wandered in the darkness feeling like I was alone, watching other people live without me. It was surreal, watching people's lives progress while I seemed to struggle just to breathe. I have dealt with that pain. I have dug down and looked for reasons. I have self medicated, I have lied about how I felt, I have hidden too much and I have shown too much.
I have hated everyone who loves me. I have burned bridges that took modern explosives to bring down. I have woken up shaken and dazed in a room at a hospital. And it was nobody's fault. The only fault was that I had not learned how to deal with my disease.
There are some awesome people out there sharing their stories. I have shared mine, just not in a printed format. I am, at the moment, beyond the pain. I can't dredge it up. Oh it will come back, and you bet I will be burning the midnight oil in a manic frenzy and wearing out Lulu's keys.

Unless you have dug yourself out of a dark, humiliating,lonely, and hellish place, you may not understand.I was blessed with so many things but I , for some reason, could not understand that. It was not an issue with my upbringing, it was a chemical issue. My chemistry is rather screwed.








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So there it is. I haven't got time for the pain right now. I do respect , love, and admire all of those who are telling their stories to help others. I just can't right now. Life is too good and I cannot even risk a tiny tear in the sheer gauze that holds me together.